Losing Hope
by SpiritOfEowyn
Summary: OneShot Piper contemplates her actions and future,brief conversation with Chris Season 6.


Disclaimer: Charmed belongs to the WB and the people who work on the show and the writers who write it., Piper, Leo, and Chris are characters belonging to said people who obviously aren't me. This is for fun AKA don't sue me. I guarantee I do not even have enough money to pay one months rent at even a dump in the LA area. Accept my fanfics as the flattery to the show that they are.

One shot inspired by 

"We haven't really talking about us, you know, since…you know." Piper:

"Yeah, I know." Leo: "Have you even thought about it?" Piper: "_Of course I have, a lot. But…honestly, I'm afraid to even go there. It hurts too much. Besides, it's not even an option, is it? Aren't you still an Elder?" Wrong Days Journey into Right_

(Before_ Wrong Days Journey into Right but right before)_

( lyrics from 3 days grace)

only when I stop to think about it  
  
I hate everything about you  
why do I love you  
I hate everything about you  
why do I love you

Every time I lie awake  
After every hit I take  
Every feeling that I get 

but i still don't miss you yet  
  
Piper laid down on her bed staring at the ceiling. She couldn't sleep, her brain was dizzy with worries that had no solution or answer.

Everything was so good, but it never stays that way with me. I don't know what it is, what I did in some past life, but I can never be happy for long. As soon as I'm happy I'm set to fall. On my birthday I realized that my hopes for a successful love life were something I should outgrow. I had accepted my fate.

I thought I could get over Leo if I dated enough, and a part of me did it as revenge for what he'd done to me. He'd set an impossible standard for men, shown me what I could have, and once I got used to it, relied upon it, he took it away.

Leo- I hate you! And I hate hating you. Whenever he's around I'm reminded painfully of what I had and lost. That's why I sent you away-I could pretend that hatred and duller feelings associated with moving on was all I felt for him. WHY? Why did you do it? Every time you're around Leo, you remind me that you didn't love me enough. That being an Elder, that you're freakin JOB was more important than me.

Thinking about you keeps me up at night.

You say that the Charmed Ones are the most powerful good you know- but the power you have over me is stronger. When you were dying, looking at me with that longing I had been hiding. When you told me you loved me, and touched my check with that tenderness I remembered- my cover cracked and I let you in again. I hope you weren't using it as an excuse to get one last----before he died... If he had… But Leo had seemed so sincere afterwards, so-Leo so certain that he was putting her in danger, and their son in danger. 

And then I found out I was pregnant and Leo had left me. I had felt like such an idiot. So many people especially her employees at work thought that Piper was one of those idiots who have one night stands with their dead beat dad ex's in an attempt to get back together with them. Or her personal favorite Leo a player, who was using her whenever he came into town, and the poor Saint Piper was trying to give her son his father back. It generally made her laugh at the thought.

He was being a martyr then by leaving., just she was doing now, not telling him about Chris so that he at least could be at peace.

For herself she wasn't seeing a happy ending- ever. Whenever Chris was asked about Leo, Piper kept getting the impression she'd never see Leo again, and that she would try in vain to keep her powerful firstborn from destroying the world. And THEN it would get better, sometime during all this fun- she'd die. She'd leave her sons to be raised by their Aunts for however long they lived, just as her mom had died young. Oh yeah, the future was looking bright. She knew she wouldn't die until after Chris was born, and then it would begin. She could only numbly continue the Charmed Ones ritual of saving innocents and watch her womb grow, counting the days until Big Chris left and in a manner of speaking she would be alone. A single mom of two. Each day a contrast to being pregnant with Wyatt with Leo doting on her

Phoebe and Paige were becoming more independent, wanting their own lives, she couldn't expect them to play babysitter forever. How long would it be before they wanted to move out again? And then she'd be alone. She done it for a while when they'd moved out before, and hated it. Then she had had Chris. She had grown up with two sisters and a commanding grandma. The quiet she was sure would drive her mad.

  
  
Even if he did still love her, and she loved him- what then? There love was doomed. He was an elder and would never come back. She hated him for leaving, for being an Elder, she loved him for their past, for what had made him Leo, and it wasn't in her nature to give up. She hated him when he gave up and loved him when he tried. 

She wondered idly if they would get a new whitelighter when Chris went back to the future.

Chris knocked on her open door. "Hey, Mom." He looked cautious. Was she tyrannical in the future, for him to be so apologetic all the time?

"Hey,"Piper replied sitting up and patting the bed next to her. "Tell me something Future boy."

"What?" Chris said suspiciously.

"Do you have ANY happy memories? I mean is anything good going to happen to us, or is it pretty much doom and gloom, and then I die?" Piper said  
Chris looked around the room choosing his words carefully.

"Your silence isn't inspiring me here." 

Chris looked at her. "You were a good mom."

"But I shouldn't expect no real love life to speak of, or say winning a million dollars."

Chris got up uncomfortable. He couldn't lie to his mom and tell her everything was going to fine.

"In my future, you never really got over Leo, and I hated him for it. For abandoning us." Chris said looking out the window.

"But you still must have wanted a Dad, have loved him, or you couldn't be this angry at him." Piper persisted.

"We don't need _him_." Chris said vehemently and orbed out leaving Piper where she started, staring upwards and not finding any answers.

"I wish I could believe you." Piper frowned.

Only when I stop to think  
About you, I know  
Only when you stop to think  
About me, do you know

I hate  
You hate  
I hate  
You love me  
  
I hate everything about you  
Why do I love you

A/N :What do you think? I swear I never thought I'd do a songfic of any type. And this turned out completely differently than I had originally planned. Originally Piper was just going to yell at Leo, tell him all the flaws in his logic for being "up there" and express than anger and hurt we all know is hiding underneath her "I'm fine" façade. Leo deserves to get an earful!

I'm still editing Future Imperfect ch. 6, and trying to get the recently turned back into student Kateydidnt to look at it and make it better… Man do I ever need beta readers. I hope this tides people over a little until I post Future Imperfect ch. 6 or Concerning Eyries and Elders ch. 3 which should be funny. 

teaser- "What a cute little girl!" Phoebe says leaning down to look at Aura. Little Aura points at Phoebe looking all cute but confused. "Slut."

Piper laughs. To Leo "Stupid Stupid Elder." Aura looks confused from Paige To Phoebe trying to figure out which one deserved to be called 'Slut' more. Much confusion and mayhem.


End file.
